When it is time to move on

With great grief and great relief, I (Suzanne) said goodbye to my job last week. I am now officially a Stay-At-Home-Mom (SAHM).

I do not quite like the term ‘SAHM’. It makes it sound like I just stay at home. With my kids. Doing nothing significant all day.

On the contrary, I would like to argue that staying at home with my three kids is more demanding and exhausting than my job was. I know for a fact that my husband (Daniel) wouldn’t do it, while he would be very capable of doing my job (or ex-job, would be more accurate).

During my farewell dinner I only felt strange. To me, this departure didn’t feel like a celebration. Honestly it just felt like a loss. I felt defeated. I had the reached a moment in my life where I had to admit that I couldn’t do everything; I couldn’t be a great mom and a great assistant professor. I couldn’t be a great wife and a great scientist. I couldn’t be a great teacher and a great researcher. I just couldn’t do everything all at once.

When I quit I explained it to my boss as a sinking ship. I had started to feel increasingly stressed out with my accumulating responsibilities, both at home and in the workplace, while continually being sleep deprived and still physically recovering from a difficult pregnancy. I explained to him that I preferred to jump off the ship while it was still afloat, instead of waiting until the ship would actually sink. I had to make a choice and I chose my family. I wasn’t able to let my two worlds collide successfully at this point in time.

Quitting brought me great heartache. Everything I had worked so hard for over the last eight years slipped away through my fingers. At least that is how it felt.

Only now, I am starting to realize that it is not an “all is forever lost” situation. I did make an impact. I left a footprint behind. I published numerous papers; but more importantly I collaborated. I connected. I empathized. I took on projects with new colleagues like I had known them forever. I made connections with people from all around the world. I gave opportunities to others and others gave opportunities to me.

I hope this is not a now or never. I tell myself it is not, although – for now – I find it hard to believe. I love science and I hope I will be able to express that love again sometime, somewhere, in the future. In the now, I will focus on the other ones that need me most right now, my own children.

At work, I am very replaceable. There are so many great minds that could easily take my place. At home, I matter more. Here, I am not replaceable. So there you have it, I am a SAHM.